EVEN OUTS ALL ODDS IN 2016!!!

I was watching Bob the builder : an animated children show last evening and as always anthropomorphized vehicles left me mesmerized. The ongoing Odd-Even rule discussions for plying of cars on road to combat the pollution in Delhi and this animation series together played a game with my sub-conscious mind. So here I pen down my unpleasant fantasy.

DREAM.......

Many dented and painted vehicles are parked around and engaged in a pensive discussion.

Untattooed Sparkling Hatchback : Hey Automobiles! Good News! I will be on rest on alternate days this fortnight of 2016. A great respite to my ailing engine which bears the pressure of winter chill and fog (smog) each January.

"VVIP'" tattooed Convertible : Alas! God is really kind to you. All blessings seem to have been bestowed on you and your siblings. I am not that lucky even though government boasts of a No-VIP culture!

Pink Sedan : Have you all noticed the conduct of rowdy juveniles these days. No wonder, I have been licensed to be on the run too.

"Red cross" tattooed Mini-Van : Oh dear! Don't worry! I'll too be on wheels 24*7 to accompany you all.

Apt came the unanimous response from CNG and electric cars, Fire brigade tattooed vehicles, Police SUVs, scooter and its bulkier and metallic cousins, i.e., the bikes. All of them were sounding envious of being exempted from Odd-Even rule as they had some indelible patterns.

An old and dilapidated bicycle parked nearby in a shady corner was listening to all the conversation patiently. Her hollowed eyes had seen them taking her place in recent times. Her rusted and parched metallic skin had been over-shined by these newbies who now longed for an interlude. Moreover, she had gained wisdom during this long period of hibernation. And when asked about her opinion, she spoke : Neither of you will be spared. My sisters and I have been listening to a lot of humans. They are a crafty and an insightful lot and have the capability to even out all the odds. They have multiple inexpensive quickfix plans in retaliation to this rule like,

Plan A : Usage of fake number plates

Plan B : Utilizing stickers to change the last digit of the number plate

Plan C : Usage of reversible number plates with original/customized number

Plan D : Deployment of embossed number plates where the last digit can be changed using a sticking tape or a magnet

I am not saying this out of anger but I feel you all are cursed to be clogged on roads forever and ever.

...................

I don't know what could have come up next since I woke up with a sigh!

On a serious note, I agree that homo sapiens are the most intelligent of all the beings present on earth with immense cognitive adroitness. But considering the present circumstances, in my perspective people are really mentally sick since they are scheming alternatives even for 15 days to counter the Odd-Even rule in Delhi. But as the law of Physics states that “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”, it's high time we offer bounties to nature.

Courtesy: Google Images

I hope this New Year, I would be a non-smoker in real sense! Huh!

As my lungs crave for PM2.5/PM10 free, non-toxic air I rest my itchy fingers as I already feel choked of the 'jugaad' attribute of my brethren.

GUARDIAN IN PERIL!!!!

I am very excited today. Why shouldn’t I be?

I have received the invite to be the guest of honour.

They have been eagerly waiting for me for the past one year.

They have made magnificent preparations for my arrival.

I just can’t tell you how happy I will be to finally meet these good people.

The duration of my stay?

Well! Unfortunately not long as a lot of people are expecting me. I have a limited timeframe and I don’t want to disappoint any of them.

But of course! I’ll stay in touch with them forever. For sure.

What?

Isn’t that implied? I need not explain all the nitty-gritties to these good people.

Most of them are highly educated. And even if not, then some rationale is given.

What!!!?  You must be lying!

These people can’t even think of this in their most horrible of dreams!

You are actually telling me that these good people will sabotage my vehicle so that I stay with them. What an inane idea?

I don’t believe you. Why? Because we are talking about perfectly sane not perfectly senile people.

They won’t do that. EVER.

Okay. Just for argument sake, let’s assume that they actually get involved in the horrendous task.

Then what?

Do they really think I won’t be able to go back if they do so?

And anybody will actually be willing to visit these people again if they act in such a despicable manner?

Out of love you say!

That’s the most incredible idea that I have ever heard!

I found this incredible too! After going through the phases of surprise, shock, anger and disbelief though.

What’s your take? Do you think it’s an acceptable thing to do?

No. Right?

Then why do we do this to the very deity we revere every day? Why the Goddess Lakshmi’s mount has to bear the brunt of our pure devotion or should I say excessive desires. According to a study, of the 30 owl species recorded from India, 15 have been recorded in the domestic live bird trade. Sacrificing an innocent creature for some hocus-pocus is actually a bizarre thing to do

Proof you ask?

Courtesy: Google Images

What about the Forbes list? I don’t see it dominated by us Indians only.It’s neither sarcasm nor anger. I am actually feeling ashamed to be a part of the nation with average literacy rate greater than 70% and a strong focus on development. Whatever the statistics might manifest, we are actually regressing to dark ages in this modern era.

In the times of instant messaging, instant riches is the new fad capturing imagination.

Where is our integrity when we search for the perfect owls to get the best riches when we are creating such a ruckus about the beef-ban on the other hand? Leave mature, is it even a sane thing to do?

You say they have magical properties/characteristics. Why don’t we leave that to the Harry Potter series and old age totems? Need I say more?

BAN-O-MANIA !!!!

Jambudivipa Satirical News Channel’s moot point is that even though Ban-O-Mania is engulfing many realms of nation's mannerism, the state of affairs is still under control and in people's favour. The TV channel hosted a worthwhile discussion show amongst two groups of people to substantiate their standpoint:

The Optimistic (O) and The Pessimistic (P)

Without wasting the high-priced air time the show began with a quick introduction of the two squads.  Please be a spectator to this discourse through my spectacles.

Debate began with a lot of impatience and vigor but with respect for each other’s views:

Courtesy : Google Images

P: “Earlier the beef ban and now the meat ban. Does anyone have a right to interfere with my gastronomy?”

O: A cheerful and a confident voice remarked: “Don’t worry buddy. Just let all such gloomy thoughts be burnt down to ashes of your cig or doze off this nightmare in a booze hangover!!" 

P: Amidst this there was another dejected avow. “Even the food authority had to unseal the ingredients of ‘Meri Maggi’ at this crucial time!!”

O: “Well Pal, bribery is still not prohibited (with a wink ;)!!!). Alternatively, our local street vendors sell scrumptious identical twin of this long thin stripped flour which can be savoured along with a cutting chai. It goes without saying though that there is an added advantage of littering and spitting around. And certainly attending to nature’s call creating one’s own artwork on your favourite canvas, if need be. Ladies! Please forgive me but….” articulated another hopeful speaker on a rosy note.

P: Though somewhat assured there was a bleak assertion, “Imagine, they have disallowed the usage of cuss words in Bollywood easy enough to be understood by a brat, banned the release of India’s daughter documentary by BBC and barred the porn. I really don't understand the real motive behind it. Isn’t this curbing my "Right to freedom of choice"?

O: “My dear friend! I am sorry to say but you sound ridiculous to me. Our courts have neither forbidden rapes and sexual harassment nor child marriage and honour killings. The kind of spice-mix they add on either through real experience or through the blazing media channels is beyond explanation. Also, we have a sultry porn star, I mean now a top rated actress wholly accepted by our Film industry to ride us through the Dirty Politics , err I mean the Dirty Picture!!”, opinionated a sanguine participant unleashing a whole new angle.

P: I saw the pessimistic clan almost beaming at such an eye-opener and an effectual discussion. However, there was this last suspicion: “Our honorable government dreamt of Digital India with freedom for all. Then why were people restrained from watching the news channel Al Jazeera in April, babus restricted from accessing Gmail and selfies banned during the pious ‘kumbh Mela’?

O: Bro! (With a sigh). Our government is taking baby steps towards newfangled ideas in this Digital age. We need to give them some time before we counter attack all their decisions. Nonetheless, you can always ‘dislike’ their Facebook Page to showcase your abhorrence.

The show ended with embraces and handshakes and an adieu by the host to the participating groups and the affluent sponsors.

Courtesy : Google Images

I believe it is time for me also to put on my Ray-Ban, rest my itchy fingers and leave you untangle rest of the tangles. Do share your comments if you think it is high time for eminent people to ban the unnecessary bans!!!

L.O.V.E

What is LOVE? Well, Google provides around 1,150,000,000 results in 0.58 seconds for it. Indeed it must mean something , huh!!

Well, I define it as a Locker Of Voluminous Emotions which leaves one enmeshed and entwined in altogether an alien world of passion. Does this sharpness leave you bewildered? This is a sensitive topic, must be handled with prudence.

Poem is a best way to illustrate this gesture of warmth. So here I go rhythmic, Courtesy Indivine topic on Indiblogger : #OneThingForLove


Cherish the first walk,
Realize the first talk,
Recall the first thought,
To live thy L.O.V.E.


Explore all the hues,
Examine every detail,
Canvas the artistic strokes,
To live thy L.O.V.E.

Courtesy : Google Images

Enjoy every moment,
Concoct all the pieces,
Pen along the journey,
To live thy love.


Fight all the blues,
Bandage the bonds that are bruised,
Strive miles hand in hand,
To live thy L.O.V.E.


Last but not the least, from my ticker:


I Think from my heart,
I Feel from my brain,
I Give my best shot,
To live thy L.O.V.E.                                                    


Ahem! Ahem! Whether you are an apple of someone's eye or smitten by someone or await to fall for someone in your love-nest, I hope I struck the L.O.V.E chords. On this note I rest my itchy fingers and leave you hankering for L.O.V.E..

Share your L.O.V.E. comments on my lovey-dovey post.

WEB COBWEBBED !!!!

I know TRAI and saffron brigade have been in headlines for quite a long time now concerning the topic of Net-neutrality. And journos are not leaving any stone unturned to make news out of it and keep the viewers abreast of all the apropos content. Let me envisage the news picks that we would be savouring in case the million mails received by TRAI do not receive a unilateral answer in response.

Here are a few from my palate :

* No choice of VOIP : Turns out to be positive for all those nerds glued to their PCs or may be few ones like me ;). The meetings and conferences stand cancelled since many employees voted for net-neutrality and this has in turn put the employer's work in jeopardy.

* Online launch of a famous 'Khan and Khan Returns' movie was paralysed since the cast of the movie had written to TRAI demanding Net neutrality.

* A-MAZ(E)-ON or A-BAY has been recommended to change their tagline to 'HAVE A BIGGER HEART AND POCKET to shop for everything you love/imagine'.

* Fight over the blue ticks : Lawsuits being filed in the court of law by couples since the spouse missed a 'miss you' message as he/she had supported net neutrality. ****, Watsupp??

* This one is creating swirls! People literally get to 'hangout' together as they are not allowed to send vibes over the sky(pe) freely.

* According to the Depressometer survey, the percentage of youngsters drowning into depression has reduced since they get less chance to stalk and think about those who might have crushed them. However, the cricket and news maniacs are going crazy and helter-skelter as they miss the regular feeds , I mean the other social bird's tweets.

* The Box, Cloud, Drives etc. await to be addressed for the rotting yottabytes of data.

* PASCAL could neither board the RUBY-ON-RAILS nor bestride the mighty HADOOP. The dorks could not get together in a HIVE and reach their GOAL. Its SNOWBALLing SPARK and could turn out to be bloody RED soon. Did you really understand this rubric?? As I am a technical jerk myself, its easy for me to draft this caption ;). To be precise, there would be very less or no participation in online coding contestations or for that matter other forms of vying since the coder's principle BASIS had been Net-neutrality. 

* Not to forget the accumulated wise journals, thesis, scholarly articles, virtual universities breathing on the Net urging for neutrality so that they could help those naive young people to sharpen their know-how.

* Since crowdsourcing went belly-up, a horde of entrepreneurs are on a hunger strike at Leela Maidan as their belly is bubbling with ideas.

Courtesy : Google Images

If you too have some luscious exposé, here's a chance for disclosure!!

I put my itchy fingers to slumber, lest I loose my pie of net neutrality and you also lose the chance to report!!

STAY DUMB!! STAY MUTE!!

Hello folks! Please accept my sincere apologies for my conspicuous absence. You know my restive itchy fingers. They had found Sherlock’s glasses and voila! Guess what I found: the diary of the great Mr. Wreck Ed wherein he recorded all his conversations. Can you believe it? No?? Here! Take a look at a conversation that  took place between Mr. Wick Ed and Mr. Wreck Ed. for yourself. It turned out to be a true learning curve!

Religion.

Mute!

Gender.

Mute!!

Women Integrity.

MUTE!!!

Why??

Because you are dumb!

Umm….Mentally or…??

Of course, mentally! But good point. Stay dumb. I mean keep mum too. Get it now?

But everyone has the right to speak!

Not the insane people, silly!!

Ummm..How do you quantify ‘silliness’?

Dumb question! Again! The freedom of expression is indeed there but the right to sensitivity is ‘fundamental’.

Do you mean to say ‘oversensitivity’?

Are you trying to make me the bad person here?

                                               (Pulls out a pistol)

Hey! I was just making my point.

Even I am.

                  ( Pointing my gun with a sly smile on my face. )

I am scared! But strangely though I hear the name ‘Avijit Roy’ ringing in my ears!  And why do I feel like shouting ‘Je suis Charlie’!!

Shut up! I feel like shouting, ”Mr. Pea-brain. Think of some sane ideas from now on. And if you want to save the remnants of your already besmirched integrity, leave and never speak. NEVER. If possible, take back what all you have said until now.

I am confused now. The name ‘Perumal Murugan’ is echoing in my head.

See! Only insane people like you can conjure asinine thoughts from the thin air in a jiffy. Thank goodness! Some intelligent minds made bullets to talk to the unhinged people like you.

                               

Courtesy : Google Images

                                      (Brandished my gun.)

Whaaaattt!! Do you? Seriously? I mean….Wait!! Sir! Do you want me to kneel in front of you and beg for my ‘loathsome low life’? Because I can do that. I swear!!

HaaHaaHaa!! That’s all the fight you got? Tell me ‘brother’! Did your ‘Bapu’ teach you this trick? Huh?? Do you really think a pervert..I mean predator…I mean a ‘proper gentleman’ like me would spare, let’s say, India’s daughter even if she begs me for forgiveness after she toes the line?

What line?

How dare you question me?

I am sorry, Sir! I don’t know why I enquired about such a banal thing! But..One last question, Sir. What if a ‘thali’ adorns her?

You are silly but you have a commendable sense of humor! Its existence is my choice. I can choose to overlook it or make it as important as the air the wearer breathes to survive! See my greatness? My power?

Very well, Sir! I salute you. And on this ‘enlightened’ note, I would like to take your leave, Sir.

How I wish you could do that! Alas! I can’t! The ‘supreme’ has the last word and that is not you.

Hey! Hey! Put the gun away! I am innocent! I didn’t do anything wrong! I actually did nothing! Listen! Please!!!! You can’t do this!

How naïve! Don’t tell me what I can and what I can’t! I can lynch you in the public square if I wish to. Yes, you heard that right. And be thankful because right now, I am being kind to you!

                                   

                          

                                BUT…..BUT……BUT………………..

                                     

                                 BOOM….BOOM…BOOM…..

                                             

                                           SILENCE!!!!

Courtesy : Google Images